QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Happy New Year!
-- Anon.
A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR
Darlene Mead
.......................
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
I'd rather have my immortality while I'm alive. I don't care if it lasts
beyond me at all. I'd just as soon it didn't.
-- Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
These children...won't let him go to the bathroom without them.
-- Lisa Marie Jackson
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
The only time you don't need a prenuptual is if he has no children...
and he's got a bad cough and a walker.
-- Ivana Trump
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device
which is exploding.
-- Jacques Le Blanc, French Ambassador
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
One problem with people who have no vices is that they're pretty sure
to have some annoying virtues.
-- Elizabeth Taylor
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I've heard it said that men first begin to realize their youth is over
when policemen begin to look like college boys. That's true, but there's
a much more alarming sign, and that's when a man's doctors begin to die.
-- Jack Smith (1916-1996)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
Six months ago, the Surgeon General said we should teach masturbation in
school. I said to myself, "Just my luck! Thirty years after I graduated,
they think of something I could have made an 'A' in."
-- James Carville (Political consultant)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I have a dream...
-- MLK
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
What on earth is [gay fiction]? Does that mean the book only
hangs out with other books?
-- Gore Vidal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
The Bible is action-packed. The Koran is action-packed. Even Budda had a few
moments of suspense in his life. Yet when we make action movies now, we're
considered moneymaking machines with no esoteric worth, and that's not true at
all. There's a lot of artistry that goes into what we do.
-- Sylvester Stallone
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying
in a ditch for 30 days because they get infections...males are biologically
driven to go out and hunt giraffes.
-- House Speaker Newt Gingrich
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
No one ever went broke underestimating the sexual satisfaction
of the American people.
-- Walter Kirn
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
Postal officials say you don't have to lick the Nixon stamp. You just
wipe the sweat off the front and apply it to the back.
-- Dennis Miller
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I said to Gracie, "How's your brother?" and she talked for 40 years.
And when she retired, I went into show business.
-- George Burns (born Jan 20, 1896)
LIMERICK FOR THE DAY
While pondering equations reducible,
A chemist knocked over a crucible.
This caused quite a flap,
For it spilled in his lap,
And rendered him irreproducible.
-- Edward P. Hughes
INTERVIEW FOR THE DAY
SPACE GHOST: Bobcat, what is your superpower?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAITE: I can bend forks.
SPACE GHOST: With your mind?
BOBCAT GOLDTHWAITE: Yeah. But only the ones at Denny's. And you
have to look away. For a little while.
-- "Space Ghost Coast to Coast," quoted by James Randi
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)
Sometimes when I'm flying over the Alps, I think, "That's like
all the cocaine I sniffed."
-- Elton John
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
South Korea's Supreme Court ruled in September that men and women who have
the same last name can henceforth marry each other provided they marry first
outside the country. The ban on same-name marriages had severely limited
marital choice; for example, 43 percent of the population are named either
Kim, Lee, or Park.
-- News of the Weird
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A discovery is named after the last person to discover it, not the first;
because once a discovery has been named, no one else tries to claim it
as a discovery.
-- Stigler's Law
WHAT KIND OF NEWS DO YOU WANT TODAY?
HOLY NEWS: The 700 Club
PRURIENT NEWS: A Current Affair, Hard Copy
BIRTHDAY NEWS: Entertainment Tonight
TWILIGHT ZONE NEWS: Unsolved Mysteries
HAPPY NEWS: "And now, our lovable weatherman..."
SNAKE OIL NEWS: Amazing Discoveries
INCESSANT NEWS: CNN
RUTHLESS CAPITALIST NEWS: Rush Limbaugh
BLEEDING-HEART LIBERAL NEWS: National Public Radio
-- Teller
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Life is like a box of chocolate laxatives. You always know
what you're gonna get.
-- Jeff MacNelly
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount U.S. intelligence agencies have spent
on psychics since 1972: $20,000,000
-- CIA (Langley, VA)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The American ideal of masculinity...has created cowboys and indians, good guys
and bad guys, punks and studs, tough guys and softies, butch and faggot, black
and white. It is an ideal so paralytically infantile that it is virtually
forbidden -- as an unpatriotic act -- that the American boy evolves into the
complexity of manhood.
-- James Baldwin (1924-1987)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The real trouble with war (modern war) is that it gives no one
a chance to kill the right people.
-- Ezra Pound (1995-1972)
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Names given to the (slightly radioactive) newborn kittens found at
the San Onofre nuclear power plant: Alpha, Beta, Gamma and Neutron
-- news sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance. It is a
species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of
reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation,
and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law
strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was
founded.
-- Abraham Lincoln
FACT FOR THE DAY
SOCKS: Presumably the only male in the White House without a full
complement of male organs or a fully developed sexual drive.
-- Richard Klein, The New Republic
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of yellow cabs New York City allowed on the streets in 1937: 11,787
Number allowed today: 11,787
-- Business Week
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention held a national conference
in Beverly Hills to discuss problems of vaccinating low-income children.
The gathering cost taxpayers $1,015,900.
-- Capitol Ideas
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Three women who hand out early-morning coffee and pastries to the homeless
could face fines of $1000 a day. The trio has run afoul of the state
Department of Health because they brew their coffee at home, not in a
kitchen approved by the state.
-- Hawaii Tribune (Honolulu)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Post Office can now be reached by E-mail. This reminds me of
when they once sent stamps via UPS.
-- Richard Romano
QUOTE FOR GEORGE BIRTHINGTON'S WASHDAY
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan
couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated minimum amount presidential candidate Steve Forbes would save
in personal income tax under the flat tax he advocates: $129,000
-- The Center for Public Integrity/Sanford and Associates
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
In January, the Supreme Court of Israel rejected the appeal of inmate Amir
Hazan, thirty-five, that he be allowed to keep an inflatable doll in his cell.
Prison officials had turned him down, claiming the doll might be used to aid
and escape attempt or to conceal drugs -- and also that inmates might fight
over it.
-- News of the Weird
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
BATTERY CHARGE: Shopping with credit cards over the internet, from a laptop.
-- Network Computing
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Number of games won by chess grandmaster Gary Kasparov in the last match: 3
Games won by IBM's computer program "Deep Blue": 1
Games that resulted in a draw (tie): 2
-- Science News
STATISTIC FOR TODAY
Number of years since the last February 29th: 4
Number of years until the next February 29th: 4
-- The Calendar Man
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Vikki Read wasn't allowed to take her 9-day-old baby into a museum in
Wellington, New Zealand. Why? The museum was showing the photos of Robert
Mapplethorpe, including several nudes, and prosecutors had threatened to go
after the museum if any kids were exposed to the pictures.
-- Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
This is a Presidential election year, which means it is illegal for anyone
to talk economic sense at any time between now and November 5.
-- Louis Rukeyser
Q & A FOR THE DAY
ELAINE MAY: How would you go about achieving world peace if you had the time?
MIKE NICHOLS: I would institute a huge tax break for interracial marriages
as well as marriages among warring factions. Eventually we
would have one very good-looking group of people who get along
fine. I admit this would take time but I am patient.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's a dangerous thing to believe in nonsense.
-- James (The Amazing) Randi
QUOTE FOR TODAY
In the nuclear world, the true enemy is war itself.
-- "Crimson Tide"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm only God when I get paid.
-- George Burns (1896-1996)
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
A court in Granaa, Denmark, announced it would soon impose a higher fine on a
woman because she refuses to change the spelling of the name of her son,
"Christopher," which is unapproved by the ministry that regulates names. She
has paid about $18 a week since 1989, and the fine will go up to about $91 in
March. Chris is now eight years old, and so far his name has cost the woman
almost $5,000 in fines.
-- News of the Weird
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Change in the last 6 months of the number of known galaxies
in the universe: +40,000,000,000
-- Space Telescope Science Institute, Baltimore
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years Charlie Brown flew kites before having his
first bad experience with a tree: 4
-- United Media, New York, NY
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the projected construction cost of the L.A. subway system
to the cost of one space shuttle launch: 10/1
-- Metropolitan Transit Authority (LA)/NASA
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Pounds of yak hair used since 1982 in the Broadway production of "Cats": 2,488
-- Viator Assoc., NY
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking
most often and in the loudest voice.
-- Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
COFFEE: Break fluid.
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
In a Tibetan Buddhist custom of searching for signs of reincarnation, enough
were apparently found in a six-year-old boy named Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, who
was designated as the reincarnation of the second most important Buddhist monk
in Tibet -- the Panchen Lama. The Panchen Lama is second only to the Dalai
Lama, who left Tibet in 1959 fleeing Chinese rule. Since the boy was born
four months after the Panchen Lama died in January, 1989, apparently reincar-
nation is not instantaneous.
-- Skeptic
YAD EHT ROF ETOUQ
!Loof lirpa
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Jim and Bev Harris got along well with everyone in the Clearwater, Florida,
trailer park where they spend their winters. That is, until the Harrises
decided to hoist the flag of their native Canada outside their home. Their
neighbors demanded that they take the flag down. One told them that it was
against the law to fly the Canadian flag. It isn't of course. But some
people seem to think that it should be. Said one neighbor, "I don't know
who came up with this idea to let everyone fly their flag. This is America."
-- Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm on the way to a benefit for Tempura House --
a home for lightly battered women.
-- Steve Allen
TODAY'S ADVICE: WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF A TORNADO
1. Stay away from glass
2. Never try to outrun a tornado
3. Never pick up a dog named Toto
-- Jay Leno
QUOTE FOR THE WEEKEND
[Australians] celebrate Easter the same way we do -- commemorating the death
and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left
chocolate eggs in the night...I've read the Bible. Can't find the words
"bunny" or "chocolate" in the whole book.
-- Bill Hicks (d. 1994)
