Happy New Year!

                                       -- Anon.

                            A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR

                                  Darlene Mead


                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

    I'd rather have my immortality while I'm alive.  I don't care if it lasts
    beyond me at all.  I'd just as soon it didn't.

                                                  -- Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

         These children...won't let him go to the bathroom without them.

                                                   -- Lisa Marie Jackson

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

      The only time you don't need a prenuptual is if he has no children...
      and he's got a bad cough and a walker.
                                                             -- Ivana Trump

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

       I do not like this word "bomb."   It is not a bomb.  It is a device
       which is exploding.
                                    -- Jacques Le Blanc, French Ambassador

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

     One problem with people who have no vices is that they're pretty sure
     to have some annoying virtues.
                                                       -- Elizabeth Taylor

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I've heard it said that men first begin to realize their youth is over
    when policemen begin to look like college boys.  That's true, but there's
    a much more alarming sign, and that's when a man's doctors begin to die.

                                                    -- Jack Smith (1916-1996)

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

    Six months ago, the Surgeon General said we should teach masturbation in
    school.  I said to myself, "Just my luck!  Thirty years after I graduated,
    they think of something I could have made an 'A' in."

                                      -- James Carville (Political consultant)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                              I have a dream...

                                         -- MLK

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

         What on earth is [gay fiction]?  Does that mean the book only
         hangs out with other books?
                                                          -- Gore Vidal

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

 The Bible is action-packed.  The Koran is action-packed.  Even Budda had a few
 moments of suspense in his life.  Yet when we make action movies now, we're
 considered moneymaking machines with no esoteric worth, and that's not true at
 all.  There's a lot of artistry that goes into what we do.

                                                          -- Sylvester Stallone

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

  If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying
  in a ditch for 30 days because they get infections...males are biologically
  driven to go out and hunt giraffes.
                                               -- House Speaker Newt Gingrich

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

         No one ever went broke underestimating the sexual satisfaction
         of the American people.
                                                         -- Walter Kirn

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

     Postal officials say you don't have to lick the Nixon stamp.  You just
     wipe the sweat off the front and apply it to the back.

                                                           -- Dennis Miller

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      I said to Gracie, "How's your brother?" and she talked for 40 years.
      And when she retired, I went into show business.

                                       -- George Burns (born Jan 20, 1896)

                            LIMERICK FOR THE DAY

                     While pondering equations reducible,
                     A chemist knocked over a crucible.
                     This caused quite a flap,
                     For it spilled in his lap,
                     And rendered him irreproducible.

                                      -- Edward P. Hughes

                            INTERVIEW FOR THE DAY

        SPACE GHOST: Bobcat, what is your superpower?
        BOBCAT GOLDTHWAITE: I can bend forks.
        SPACE GHOST: With your mind?
        BOBCAT GOLDTHWAITE: Yeah.  But only the ones at Denny's.  And you
                            have to look away.  For a little while.

                   -- "Space Ghost Coast to Coast," quoted by James Randi

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The best of '95)

         Sometimes when I'm flying over the Alps, I think, "That's like
         all the cocaine I sniffed."
                                                          -- Elton John

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  South Korea's Supreme Court ruled in September that men and women who have
  the same last name can henceforth marry each other provided they marry first
  outside the country.  The ban on same-name marriages had severely limited
  marital choice; for example, 43 percent of the population are named either
  Kim, Lee, or Park.
                                                          -- News of the Weird

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    A discovery is named after the last person to discover it, not the first;
    because once a discovery has been named, no one else tries to claim it
    as a discovery.
                                                             -- Stigler's Law

                     WHAT KIND OF NEWS DO YOU WANT TODAY?

               HOLY NEWS: The 700 Club
               PRURIENT NEWS: A Current Affair, Hard Copy
               BIRTHDAY NEWS: Entertainment Tonight
               TWILIGHT ZONE NEWS: Unsolved Mysteries
               HAPPY NEWS: "And now, our lovable weatherman..."
               SNAKE OIL NEWS: Amazing Discoveries
               INCESSANT NEWS: CNN
               RUTHLESS CAPITALIST NEWS: Rush Limbaugh
               BLEEDING-HEART LIBERAL NEWS: National Public Radio

                                                        -- Teller

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           Life is like a box of chocolate laxatives.  You always know
           what you're gonna get.
                                                      -- Jeff MacNelly

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                  Amount U.S. intelligence agencies have spent
                  on psychics since 1972: $20,000,000

                                          -- CIA (Langley, VA)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 The American ideal of masculinity...has created cowboys and indians, good guys
 and bad guys, punks and studs, tough guys and softies, butch and faggot, black
 and white.  It is an ideal so paralytically infantile that it is virtually
 forbidden -- as an unpatriotic act -- that the American boy evolves into the
 complexity of manhood.
                                                   -- James Baldwin (1924-1987)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         The real trouble with war (modern war) is that it gives no one
         a chance to kill the right people.
                                              -- Ezra Pound (1995-1972)

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

       Names given to the (slightly radioactive) newborn kittens found at
       the San Onofre nuclear power plant: Alpha, Beta, Gamma and Neutron

                                                          -- news sources

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance.  It is a
     species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of
     reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation,
     and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes.  A prohibition law
     strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was
                                                          -- Abraham Lincoln

                               FACT FOR THE DAY

       SOCKS: Presumably the only male in the White House without a full
              complement of male organs or a fully developed sexual drive.

                                        -- Richard Klein, The New Republic

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Number of yellow cabs New York City allowed on the streets in 1937: 11,787
                                                 Number allowed today: 11,787

                                                             -- Business Week

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

    The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention held a national conference
    in Beverly Hills to discuss problems of vaccinating low-income children.
    The gathering cost taxpayers $1,015,900.
                                                             -- Capitol Ideas

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

   Three women who hand out early-morning coffee and pastries to the homeless
   could face fines of $1000 a day.  The trio has run afoul of the state
   Department of Health because they brew their coffee at home, not in a
   kitchen approved by the state.
                                                 -- Hawaii Tribune (Honolulu)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        The Post Office can now be reached by E-mail.  This reminds me of
        when they once sent stamps via UPS.
                                                        -- Richard Romano


    Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan
    couldn't tell the difference.
                                                                 -- Mort Sahl

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Estimated minimum amount presidential candidate Steve Forbes would save
    in personal income tax under the flat tax he advocates: $129,000

                  -- The Center for Public Integrity/Sanford and Associates

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 In January, the Supreme Court of Israel rejected the appeal of inmate Amir
 Hazan, thirty-five, that he be allowed to keep an inflatable doll in his cell.
 Prison officials had turned him down, claiming the doll might be used to aid
 and escape attempt or to conceal drugs -- and also that inmates might fight
 over it.
                                                           -- News of the Weird
                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

  BATTERY CHARGE: Shopping with credit cards over the internet, from a laptop.

                                                          -- Network Computing

                               NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  Number of games won by chess grandmaster Gary Kasparov in the last match: 3
                           Games won by IBM's computer program "Deep Blue": 1
                                       Games that resulted in a draw (tie): 2

                                                              -- Science News

                              STATISTIC FOR TODAY

                Number of years since the last February 29th: 4

                Number of years until the next February 29th: 4

                                            -- The Calendar Man

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

   Vikki Read wasn't allowed to take her 9-day-old baby into a museum in
   Wellington, New Zealand.  Why?  The museum was showing the photos of Robert
   Mapplethorpe, including several nudes, and prosecutors had threatened to go
   after the museum if any kids were exposed to the pictures.
                                                                     -- Reason

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   This is a Presidential election year, which means it is illegal for anyone
   to talk economic sense at any time between now and November 5.

                                                           -- Louis Rukeyser

                              Q & A FOR THE DAY

  ELAINE MAY: How would you go about achieving world peace if you had the time?

  MIKE NICHOLS: I would institute a huge tax break for interracial marriages
                as well as marriages among warring factions.  Eventually we
                would have one very good-looking group of people who get along
                fine.  I admit this would take time but I am patient.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                 It's a dangerous thing to believe in nonsense.

                                   -- James (The Amazing) Randi

                                QUOTE FOR TODAY

               In the nuclear world, the true enemy is war itself.

                                                 -- "Crimson Tide"

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                         I'm only God when I get paid.

                           -- George Burns (1896-1996)

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  A court in Granaa, Denmark, announced it would soon impose a higher fine on a
  woman because she refuses to change the spelling of the name of her son,
  "Christopher," which is unapproved by the ministry that regulates names.  She
  has paid about $18 a week since 1989, and the fine will go up to about $91 in
  March.  Chris is now eight years old, and so far his name has cost the woman
  almost $5,000 in fines.
                                                           -- News of the Weird

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Change in the last 6 months of the number of known galaxies
           in the universe: +40,000,000,000

                       -- Space Telescope Science Institute, Baltimore

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Number of years Charlie Brown flew kites before having his
           first bad experience with a tree: 4

                                        -- United Media, New York, NY

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Ratio of the projected construction cost of the L.A. subway system
       to the cost of one space shuttle launch: 10/1

                              -- Metropolitan Transit Authority (LA)/NASA

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Pounds of yak hair used since 1982 in the Broadway production of "Cats": 2,488

                                                           -- Viator Assoc., NY

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking
    most often and in the loudest voice.
                                           -- Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                            COFFEE: Break fluid.

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 In a Tibetan Buddhist custom of searching for signs of reincarnation, enough
 were apparently found in a six-year-old boy named Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, who
 was designated as the reincarnation of the second most important Buddhist monk
 in Tibet -- the Panchen Lama.  The Panchen Lama is second only to the Dalai
 Lama, who left Tibet in 1959 fleeing Chinese rule.  Since the boy was born
 four months after the Panchen Lama died in January, 1989, apparently reincar-
 nation is not instantaneous.
                                                                     -- Skeptic

                              YAD EHT ROF ETOUQ

                                 !Loof lirpa

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  Jim and Bev Harris got along well with everyone in the Clearwater, Florida,
  trailer park where they spend their winters.  That is, until the Harrises
  decided to hoist the flag of their native Canada outside their home.  Their
  neighbors demanded that they take the flag down.  One told them that it was
  against the law to fly the Canadian flag.  It isn't of course.  But some
  people seem to think that it should be.  Said one neighbor, "I don't know
  who came up with this idea to let everyone fly their flag.  This is America."

                                                                      -- Reason

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                I'm on the way to a benefit for Tempura House --
                a home for lightly battered women.

                                                  -- Steve Allen


                        1. Stay away from glass
                        2. Never try to outrun a tornado
                        3. Never pick up a dog named Toto

                                              -- Jay Leno

                            QUOTE FOR THE WEEKEND

  [Australians] celebrate Easter the same way we do -- commemorating the death
  and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left
  chocolate eggs in the night...I've read the Bible.  Can't find the words
  "bunny" or "chocolate" in the whole book.
                                                       -- Bill Hicks (d. 1994)

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