THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Happy New Year!
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of U.S. police officers that die by suicide
to those killed in the line of duty: 2/1
-- Reuters
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is
no news, we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
-- David Brinkley
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage increase in vinyl record sales from the first half
of 1993 to the same time period in 1994: 80
-- RIAA
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Happy New Server!
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Huh Huh mm Huh Huh oops
Let's try that new server again!
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (O'Leary's Law)
Murphy was an optimist.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Distance between the Speaker of the House
and the U.S. Presidency, in heartbeats: 2
-- Harper's Research
NEW COMPUTER VIRUS TO WATCH OUT FOR
the CALIFORNIA FLOOD VIRUS: Looks just like one of those "aquarium" screen
blankers, but the fish are real and your monitor
is full of water.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
It's Friday the 13th! Really! Yow!!
-- The Calendar Man
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A note to my neighbors: Our Earthquake Reunion Party has been
canceled due to floods.
-- Pat Paulsen
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY, AT 4:31AM...
The walls were shaking, the earth was quaking
My mind was aching and we weren't faking
When you shook me all night long.
-- AC/DC
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Japan's economic output that was affected by
the recent earthquake: 20
-- WSJ, ABC News
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Oh, yes, I've learned from my mistakes and I'm sure I could
repeat them exactly.
-- Sir Arthur Strebe-Greebling/Peter Cook (1938-1995)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of coffee bars in the U.S. in 1988: 200
...today: 5,000
Number of coffee bars in Italy: 200,000
-- Specialty Coffee Assn of America
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average gain in value during the last 6 months of stocks chosen
by staffers flinging darts at stock tables: 5%
Average gain in stocks chosen by four investment professionals: -16%
-- WSJ
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times Walter Cronkite has attended a Grateful Dead concert: 2
-- Marlene Adler, spokeswoman for Walter Cronkite
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Which do you believe?)
PROSECUTION: O. J. Simpson is a controlling man in a circle of violence.
DEFENSE: O. J. Simpson is a kind man in a circle of benevolence.
-- ABC News
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Even though the shops still standing in Kobe [Japan] are easy
to break into, there has been no looting...
-- Michael Ventura, L.A. Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of people worldwide that watched the
Super Bowl yesterday: 700,000,000
-- news sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of marijuana plants for which a grower may be sentenced
to death under the crime bill passed last fall: 60,000
-- U.S. Dept. of Justice
STATSTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of Monopoly money printed by Parker Bros. each year
to money printed by the U.S. Mint: 2/1
-- Playboy
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of weeks of winter remaining, according to yesterday's groundhog: 6
-- tradition
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of California's electricity supplied by wind power: 1.2
-- L.A. Times
QUOTE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
Some love is fire, some love is rust,
But the fiercest, cleanest love is lust.
- Art Spiegelman
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY ("You've Come a Long Way, Baby" Dept.)
M. Dieulafoy, who with his wife explored the ruins of Susa, has been elected
to the French Academie des Inscriptions. Mme (Mrs.) Dieulafoy not only
received the Legion of Honor for her share in the work, but also the right
to wear men's clothes in public.
-- Scientific American, March 1895
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of a car's fuel energy that ends up hauling the driver: 2
-- Lovins & Lovins, "Reinventing The Wheels," Atlantic Monthly
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A President cannot always be popular.
-- Harry S. Truman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We abuse the land because we regard it as a commodity belonging to us. When
we see land as a community to which we belong, we may begin to use it with
love and respect.
-- Aldo Leopold (1886-1948)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
-- Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average amount of his Social Security and Medicare taxes a single 30-year-old
man will never receive in benefits: $37,200
Average amount in excess of his Social Security and Medicare taxes a single
65-year-old man will receive in benefits: $35,200
-- Urban Institute (Washington)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of robberies nationwide per 100,000 population, in 1955: 46
... in 1990: 270
-- Paul Robinson, Atlantic Monthly
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, a Massachusetts lake,
among the longest U.S. place names: 1
-- U. S. Geological Survey
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Don't look back. Something may be gaining on you.
-- Satchel Paige
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Wishful Thinking Dept.)
Vigorous development of private cars will effectively help ease the strain
on urban traffic....The development of private cars and the gradual
replacement of bicycles by cars will enable Chinese cities to realize
traffic modernization.
-- Bejing Review, Dec 1994
WISE ADVICE FOR THE DAY
Check the brakes in your car every 7500 miles or anytime you see
a shower of sparks, flames or iron filings...
-- AAA of Southern California
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Increase in the average American's total tax bill,
in constant 1994 dollars: 20%
-- Dept. of Commerce, The Tax Foundation
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of time Governor Pete Wilson has declared a state of emergency
in California since 1991: 30
-- California Governor's Office
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
A: Your girl back, your car back...
TRIVIA QUESTION FOR THE DAY
Q: What was the name of Howdy Doody's stand-in?
A: Double-Doody.
-- PBS (That Treasure Trove O' Trivia)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
For good nutrition, at each meal you should choose one from each of the three
basic food groups: vanilla, chocolate and butter pecan.
-- Jeremy Bernstein
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's not easy being green.
-- Kermit
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The U.N. pulled out of Somalia leaving no one in charge. There is no
government, no law, and no formal education -- just a rampant wild-frontier
economy in which anything can be had for a price. Is this the future?
-- William Finnegan
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years O. J. Simpson's trial would have to last before
his legal fees exceeded this year's federal budget: 348,985
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of jobs that could be gained in Northern Ireland
if peace should break out: 30,000
Estimated number of jobs that would be lost in the security services
industry for the same reason: 20,000
-- Liberation, Paris
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Your lucky numbers are: 1,6,15,29,35,36
-- a fortune cookie
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Approximate dimensions of an iceberg that recently broke off
from Antarctica and is drifting out to sea, in miles: 23 x 48
-- Time
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Remembering Oscar Night, 1988)
Good evening, Hollywood phonies...
-- Chevy Chase
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Plus Ca Change...)
..."Blue" songs are naturally not allowed on the radio networks. Last week
NBC revealed that 147 songs are on its blacklist. Because their titles are
suggestive, 137 may not even be played instrumentally[!]. Among them:
"Lavender Cowboy"..."Dirty Lady"..."But in the Morning, No"...Many another
song has to be laundered before NBC will pass it. Not to be sung in "Thank
You Father" are the lines: "Though your father's name was Stanley/Thank God
that he was manly."
-- Time, March 25, 1940
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of Los Angeles city revenue from parking meter-related
fines to parking meter coins collected: 10/1
-- Michael Schrage, LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of April among all months in order of cruelty: 1
-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
The Pakistani army gave its Swedish counterpart three thoroughbred geldings
in a show of admiration. Unfortunately, Sweden bans the import of Asian
horses because of fears of infection. Rather than offend the Pakistanis by
returning the horses, the Swedes killed them. The Pakistanis were offended.
-- Charles Oliver, Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I had no idea it was televised.
-- David Letterman, about the Academy Awards Ceremony
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of fingerprint cards received by the FBI each day: 25,000
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Psychology has become the religion of this century.
-- Michael Yapco, PhD.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Science shares with religion the claim that it answers deep questions about
origins, the nature of life, and the cosmos. But there the resemblance ends.
Scientific beliefs are supported by evidence, and they get results. Myths
and faith do not.
-- Richard Dawkins, "River Out Of Eden"
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
LECTURE: The process by which the contents of the textbook of the instructor
are transferred to the notebook of the student without passing
through the heads of either party.
-- Darrell Huff
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Round numbers are always false.
-- Samuel Johnson
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
No, we do not have cattle in our home.
-- Hillary Clinton, responding politely
to an unexpected question from a woman
in rural Bangladesh, quoted in TIME
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
TAXES: When you care enough to send the very least.
- Bumper sticker
POEM FOR THE DAY
Nature, it seems, is the popular name
For milliards and milliards and milliards
Of particles playing their infinite game
Of billiards and billiards and billiards.
-- Piet Hein
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of women in the crew of the U.S. carrier Eisenhower: 8
Number of washers in the ship's laundry that have a "gentle" cycle: 0
-- Time
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
What is clear is that Americans, urban and rural alike, will have to get used
to tougher security measures. (Some European countries have by now become
accustomed to Draconian security at airports and to having no sidewalk trash
cans in which bombs might be hidden.)
-- WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
"Gracious, gracious," my grandma used to say,
"The world's a scary place now,"
Things were different in her day.
What horrors will be commonplace
When MY hair starts to grey?
-- Kevin Gilbert, contributed by Scott Shupe
QUOTES FOR THE DAY
Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge
the other guy's out dancing.
-- Buddy Hackett
Never carry a grudge. They shed terribly.
-- greeting card
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Uh-Oh Dept.)
In December, scientists for an environmental group reported that a new species
of plant and three new species of insects were found during inspection of the
grounds of the federal government's Hanford nuclear reservation near Richland,
Washington.
-- Chuck Shepherd, News of the Weird
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The harder you work, the luckier you get.
-- Gary Player
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of daughters brought to work on national "Bring Your Daughters
to Work Day" yesterday by the staff and crew of The Late Show: 0
-- David Letterman
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of days since the Dodgers won a baseball game: 264
-- news sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
-- Thomas Edison
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Score received by San Fernando Valley high-school students
Dale Shuger and Jennifer Koo in their college SAT tests: 1600
Maximum score possible: 1600
-- news sources
LIMERICK FOR THE DAY
There was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was faster than light;
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned home the previous night.
-- Arthur Buller (1874-1944)
POEM FOR THE DAY
Higgledy-piggledy
Ludwig Van Beethoven
Scornful of cheer, and of hearing forlorn,
Spitefully hissing, sat
Writing unplayable
Pianississimo notes for the horn.
-- John Hollander
POEM FOR THE DAY (Beethoven Again?)
Higgledy-piggledy
Ludwig Van Beethoven
Bored by requests for some music to hum,
Finally answered with
Oversimplicity,
"Here's my Fifth Symphony: Duh, duh, duh, DUM!"
-- E. William Seaman
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Additional amount that President Clinton wants the $30,000 luxury
automobile buyer to pay to the U.S. Government in order to teach
the Japanese a lesson: $30,000
-- news sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[I] tried a voice recognition system recently and inadvertently
sneezed into the microphone. The computer produced a screenful
of s's and said, "Gesuntheit!"
-- Frank & Richard Romano, "Digital Imaging"
MOVIE REVIEWS FOR THE SEASON
(All Action Movies Are Just DIE HARD In Disguise)
SPEED = DIE HARD on a bus
UNDER SEIGE = DIE HARD on a battleship
UNDER SEIGE 2 = DIE HARD on a train
CRIMSON TIDE = DIE HARD on a submarine
VIRTUOSITY = DIE HARD inside a virtual-reality simulator
-- Peter Travers
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you are awash in lost continents, channeling and UFOs, you may
not have intellectual room for the findings of [real] science.
-- Carl Sagan
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
In Oslo, Norway, Kristi Larsen had a dream that she should name her son
Gesher. But the name isn't on the government's official list of acceptable
names. So she's been fined and ordered to give him an acceptable name.
Some names that have government approval are: Odd, Bent, Roar, Dits, and Anon.
-- Charles Oliver, Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Nature is not cruel, only pitilessly indifferent.
-- Richard Dawkins
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of bills passed by Congress that Bill Clinton has vetoed: 0
Number of U.S. presidents in this century who left office without
having issued a single veto: 0
-- White House Press Office, U.S. Senate Library
*** CAUTION ***
This computer system is for the use of trained operators only.
Reckless operation of this machine could alter the earth's orbit.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Econ 101)
The money is always there. Only the pockets change.
-- Gertrude Stein
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
But winter lingering chills the lap of May.
-- Oliver Goldsmith (1708-1774)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Happy Memorial Day!
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The hands on my biological clock are giving me the finger.
-- Wendy Liebman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Eh...What's up, Doc?
-- "Fritz" Freleng, inventor of Bugs Bunny (1906-1995)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount since 1984 that AT&T has raised the price for a 10-minute
call from an L.A. pay phone to New York: 65%
-- WSJ
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of miles a gallon of fuel will take a ton of freight on a train: 300
...on a truck: 100
-- Smithsonian
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years in office Saddam Hussein will celebrate this summer: 15
-- The New Republic
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Summer is icumen in,
Loud sing cuccu!
-- Cuckoo Song (ca. 1250)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of Marilyn Monroe stamps issued by the U.S. Post Office: 1
Number of Marilyn Monroe stamps issued by the Portuguese islands
of Sao Tome and Principe: 9
-- USPO, news sources
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (How Interesting... Dept.)
To ease the burden on taxpayers, we're shrinking government.
-- Gov. Pete Wilson, Jan. 1995
Percentage change in number of government employees since the last governor: +4
Percentage change in total salaries paid to government workers since 1990: +21
-- News sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
An enlightened and efficient intellectual regime lets a million prejudices
bloom, including many that you or I may regard as hateful or grotesque. It
avoids any attempt to stamp out prejudice, because stamping out prejudice
really means forcing everyone to share the same prejudice, namely that of
whoever is in authority.
-- "In Defense of Prejudice," Jonathan Rauch
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of pet owners who use the "garden hose" method
of washing their pets: 28
-- Teledyne Water Pik
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
First year that the plastic credit card was used: 1952
-- USA Today
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The brambles and the thorns grew thick and thicker in a ticking thicket of
bickering crickets. Farther along and stronger, bonged the gongs of a throng
of frogs, green and vivid on their lily pads. From the sky came the crying of
flies, and the pilgrims leaped over a bleating sheep creeping knee-deep in a
sleepy stream, in which swift and slippery snakes slid and slithered silkily,
whispering sinful secrets.
-- James Thurber, "The Thirteen Clocks"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once,
and by car for ever after.
-- Peter DeVries (1910-1993)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise.
-- Tobias Smollett (1721-1771)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FASHION: A form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.
-- Kin Hubbard (1868-1930)
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Expert advice in the Clinton era)
Actress Kate Mulgrew, star of "Star Trek:Voyager," was invited to the White
House for an "issues briefing" touting women's achievements in science.
-- Milwaukee Journal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Never extend your hand further than you can withdraw it.
-- Seumas MacManus (1869-1960)
POEM FOR THE DAY
Higgledy-piggledy
President Jefferson
Gave up the ghost on the Fourth of July.
So did John Adams, which
Shows that such patriots
Propagandistically knew how to die.
-- Arthur W. Monks
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PATRIOTISM: Your conviction that this country is superior to all others
because you were born in it.
-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The only thing bad about a holiday is it is followed by a non-holiday.
-- Anonymous
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I could prove God statistically.
- George Gallup (1901-1984)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
- Robert Kennedy (1925-1968)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I
was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back memories.
-- Steven Wright
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Q: What are two of the worst things we commonly teach our children?
A: That a knowledge of science is nice but not necessary
and a knowledge of sex is necessary but not nice.
-- Marilyn Vos Savant
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror,
he sees a monkey.
-- Malcolm de Chazal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children;
now I have six children and no theories.
-- John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester (1647-1680)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
SUBSTITOOT: A second-string trumpeter in the school band.
-- Doug Larson
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I had three chairs in my house: one for solitude,
two for friendship, three for society.
-- H. D. Thoreau (1817-1862)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
All people smile in the same language.
-- submitted by Julie Wicken
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CHEESE CURD: An orangish cheese byproduct that feels like Silly Putty but
tastes a lot better. It was invented accidentally by University
of Wisconsin nuclear cheese scientists attempting to create an
object of pure cholesterol that would still squeak. Rats who
are fed this remarkable food develop an unusual capacity to
polka and drink beer.
-- American Folklore Theatre Program
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Geriatric Dept.)
Nick Montos, the first person ever to make the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list
twice, walked into an antique shop in Boston Tuesday with a gun and
threatened to kill owner Sonia Paine if she didn't cooperate.
She hit him over the head with her aluminum bat.
Montos is 78, Paine is 73. "I don't take any crap from anybody," Paine said.
"I beat the hell out of him."
-- AP
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
-- Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling, but it Wobbles,
and letters get in the wrong places.
-- A. A. Milne
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
To err is Hugh-man, to forgive, Divine.
-- Dennis Miller
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Accept nature and look inward. It's not the hair on your head
that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.
-- Gary Shandling
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Have you seen that new [weight loss] cream you just rub on your thighs?
If it really worked, wouldn't it make your hand thinner?
-- Rita Rudner
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The hair in the head is worth two in the brush.
-- Oliver Herford
LULLABY FOR THE DAY
Hush little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna shoot you a mockingbird.
If that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's gonna beat up Rodney King.
-- Officer Eve Eggers
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
-- Finley Peter Dunne
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage decrease in viewing audience in the
last ten years for the ABC television network: 24
...for CBS: 36
-- Nielsen Media Research
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Hiroshima 1945 Remembered by Survivors)
We need to admit the crimes committed by Japan before we can ask for
any apology from the United States.
-- Koshiro Kondo
If Japan had [had] the bomb, it might have used it in a worse way.
-- Kozo Matsuo
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood
and you find the real tinsel underneath.
-- Oscar Levant
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When all think alike, then no one is thinking.
-- Walter Lippman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
As nations improve, so do their gods.
-- G. C. Lichtenberg (1742-1799)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning
and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.
- Dean Martin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The payoff to life is death.
-- Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-- Lily Tomlin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
This world may be divided into those who take it or leave it
and those who split the difference.
-- Ronald Knox
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
With the knowledge and coooperation of his seventh-grade son's teachers and
guidance counselor, Charles Hayden took his son Chris out of his last-period
study hall every day to help him prepare for classes. Subsequently, Chris'
average jumped nearly ten points and he didn't have to repeat the seventh
grade. School administrators have charged Hayden with illegally taking his
child out of school.
-- Greensburg (PA) Tribune-Review
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you think Hurricane Felix is gonna make a mess,
just wait until Hurricane Oscar.
-- David Letterman
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of "other" denominations ($2, $500, $1000, and $22!) of
counterfeit U.S. Dollars found circulating in 1994: 26
- U.S. Secret Service
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount a typical heroin addict would need to spend
10 years ago to supply his habit, per day: $225
Cost of the same quantity of drug today: $70
-- Drug Enforcement Administration
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill
he gave me six months more.
- Walter Matthau
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Miss Piggy doesn't acknowledge she's a pig. She's upset about not getting
parts that go to Michelle Pfeiffer.
-- Jim Henson's staff, denying rumors
that a certain Muppet was miffed
at not starring in "Babe"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When the horse dies, get off.
-- Kinky Friedman, on why he abandoned his music career
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I am the whitest man in the world. I am genetically engineered to live on
a rain-soaked bog in Ireland and never see the sun. Almost no sunblock is
high enough for me; I'm waiting for Coppertone to come out with a
beekeeper's outfit.
- Conan O'Brien
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (With cops like these, who needs terrorists?)
When Paul Holloway met his luggage in Orlando at the end of his flight
from Amsterdam, Netherlands, he noticed his suitcase was torn. He
notified authorities, who found two explosive devices inside. Further
checking revealed that they had been placed there, not by international
terrorists, but by Dutch police, who were conducting a test of security
measures.
"The officer just forgot about it," said Dutch airport spokesman Alex
Van Pelt. Presumably the security test failed.
-- adapted from AP
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Ratio of number of people to cows in New Delhi, India: 72/1
Ratio of telephones to people in India: 1/120
-- news sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Mr. Thomas A. Edison recently came into this office, placed a little machine
on our desk, turned a crank, and the machine enquired as to our health, asked
how we liked the phonograph, informed us that it was very well, and bid us a
cordial good night.
-- Scientific American (1877)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A lie can be all the way across the country
before the Truth can get its boots on.
-- Mark Twain
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
BABY: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Knox
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
It's Monday! It's Labor Day! So why are you working?
-- Anonymous
GAME FOR THE DAY ("Tabloid Headline Maker")
Make your own tabloid headlines! Choose one phrase from each column:
ELVIS ELOPES WITH MARILYN MONROE'S GHOST
ROSEANNNE IS MY LOVE-CHILD, SAYS 2-HEADED GOAT
LADY DI CONFESSES AFFAIR WITH HITLER'S BRAIN
MADONNA SEDUCES MICHAEL JACKSON'S MONKEY
OPRAH CAUGHT STALKING SPACE ALIEN
MICHAEL JACKSON AND I ARE THROUGH, CLAIMS THE POPE
-- Micro Publishing News
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If a tree falls in a forest, and there's no one there,
then who gets to keep the wood?
-- Frederick Heide
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If the government has the power to do everything that is good or right,
then we no longer have a government, we have a totalitarian state.
-- Thomas Sowell
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
-- Yogi Berra
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DEMOCRACY: The theory that the common people know what they want, and
deserve to get it good and hard.
-- H. L. Mencken
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Son, no matter how far you travel, or how smart you get, always remember this:
Someday, somewhere, a guy is going to come to you and show you a nice
brand-new deck of cards on which the seal is never broken, and this guy is
going to offer to bet you that the jack of spades will jump out of this deck
and squirt cider in your ear. But, son, do not bet him, for as sure as you do
you are going to get an ear full of cider.
- Damon Runyon, "The Idyll of Miss Sarah Brown"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
"We are not testing bombs," French General Paul Vericel insisted, after
France detonated a 70-ton nuclear device on a Pacific atoll last week.
"We are testing nuclear physics."
-- adapted from AP
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Prescription For Real Romance)
1. Be loving
2. Share jokes
3. Share pajamas
4. Make time for each other
5. Make time for sex
6. Don't use up all the hot water
-- Dr. Ruth Westheimer, "Sex for Dummies"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Any music played on a saxophone is immoral.
-- Sgt. Rhoda Miliken (1925)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of U.S. households that have a PC: 39
-- Link Resources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Election polls show that most Americans oppose the President because
they don't know where he stands...
Meanwhile, in other election news, polls show Americans support
Colin Powell because they don't know where he stands...
-- Michael Ramirez, USA Today
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average amount paid by the Federal Government to
U.S. farmers to grow wheat, in dollars per acre: 27
...to grow feed grains: 55
...to grow cotton: 110
...to grow rice: 220
-- American Farm Bureau Federation
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DICTIONARY: A guide to the spelling of words, which can be located
if you know how to spell them.
-- The Left-Handed Dictionary
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
REBATE: Putting another worm on the hook.
-- The Left-Handed Dictionary
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The only difference between Catholics and Jews is Jews are born with guilt
but Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
-- Elaine Boosler
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
NATIONAL DEBT: America's most outstanding public figure.
-- Joseph B. Young
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PRODIGY: A small child with highly imaginative parents.
-- R. H. Creese
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
HOLLYWOOD: A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
-- Walter Winchell
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FLOOD: A river too big for its bridges.
-- The Left-Handed Dictionary
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
MONDAY MORNING: When we look back wistfully on the good old days
like Saturday and Sunday.
-- Catholic Digest
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
POLITICALLY CORRECT FILM TITLE: "Those Who Are Good, Those Who Are Bad,
and Those Who Are Facially Non-Privileged"
POLITICALLY INCORRECT FILM TITLE: "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly"
-- Anthony Lane
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You take out your communicator and contact the starship Enterprise. In Star
Trek, you are immediately connected to the right party. But in reality,
here is what you'd have to contend with:
"Thank you for calling the Starship Enterprise. If you are sending a
distress signal, press 1. If you would like to be beamed up, press 2. If
you are an omnipotent god-being who is trying to take over the universe,
press 3. If you are a green-skinned alien female interested in seducing our
captain, press 4. If you have a rotary-dial communicator, please hold and
wait for Lieutenant Uhura."
-- Richard M. Romano
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Chances that watching "The Bridges of Madison County"
will bring a man to tears: 2/3
-- Entertainment Weekly (NYC)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Psychologists tell us that children who are exposed to violence on television
grow up to become violent. My childhood was spent watching sitcoms, so I grew
up to write really bad jokes.
-- Richard M. Romano
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Kathryn Bigelow's [film] "Strange Days" is merely rated R. It is ten times
more violent, mucky-mouthed, and inflammatory as "Showgirls" [rated NC-17],
but by some ineffable leap of logic, the Motion Picture Association of America
has determined that a parade of indistinguishable bosoms is more likely to
corrupt the nation's youth than a scene in which a woman is grabbed, manacled,
violated at knifepoint, and then killed...Plainly, it is the number of naked
bodies that appalls the M.P.A.A., not the harm that is inflicted on them.
--Anthony Lane (New Yorker)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
(If you don't get it, ask your nearest Computer Nerd)
I still remember a time when having a web site meant it was time to dust.
-- Richard M. Romano
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Approximate total sales of goods and services related
to O.J. Simpson's trial to date: $200,000,000
Gross domestic product of Grenada (1987): $187,000,000
-- Playboy, World Almanac
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
OMYGAWD! IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH! REALLY!!
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of states that have increased state and local taxes by 40% or more per
capita in the ten years ending in 1991: 11
Average per capita state and local tax increase in the U.S. for the same time
period: 30%
At the current rate of increase, number of years until these taxes double: 27
-- U.S. Census Bureau, Bureau of Labor Statistics
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Bonnie Turner was suspended from Tavares Middle School for having Tylenol
in her backpack, and will not be allowed to take classes this fall until she
completes a "substance-abuse awareness" course.
Jay Marshall, supervisor of student services, defended the policy. "A
student is not to have any kind of medication on their person...because they
are potentially dangerous to students that would ingest them. People commit
suicide by taking Tylenol."
-- Sarasota (FL) Herald-Tribune
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A nation may lose its liberties in a day and not miss them for a century.
-- Montesquieu
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated dollar loss from U.S. banks in two months
this year from electronic theft, in millions: 300
-- Arnaud de Borchgrave
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of twenty-dollar bills printed last year by the
U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing: 2,252,800,000
-- L.A. Times
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FRIENDS: People who knew you then and don't hold it against you now.
-- "Now and Then" (trailer)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
MATURITY: The ability to stick with a job without being supervised,
carry money without spending it,
and bear an injustice without wanting to get even.
-- Abigail Van Buren
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Every Halloween, a group of magicians get together and have a seance to try
to contact Harry Houdini. They have not been successful in past years, but
today they got his machine...
-- David Letterman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Every October 31st, small groups of armed children roam from house to house
demanding protection money...
-- Peter Yarrow
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Federal funds budgeted through 1999 to assist U.S. phone companies
in making their lines easier to tap: $500,000,000
-- Electronic Privacy Information Center (Washington)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Federal funds spent on maintaining nuclear testing operatons
since U.S. testing was halted in 1992: $1,185,600,000
-- Brookings Institute (Washington)
QUOTES FOR THE DAY
I have always believed that the majority of the people want peace...
-- Yitzhak Rabin (1922-1995)
I acted alone on God's orders and I have no regrets.
-- accused Rabin assasin Yigal Amir
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Most frequently chosen numbers in the California State Lottery: 9,3,7,8,11,6
Least frequently chosen numbers: 50,46,49,48,42,51
-- Mark Finkelstein
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The New York City subway has been experimenting with computer programs to
enhance its efficiency...but I missed my stop the other day because the
trains weren't self-extracting. They are, however, self-mugging.
-- Richard M. Romano
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I've heard a lot of complaints about America Online, but here's my
only gripe: it's really hard to get the labels off when reusing
all the diskettes they send me.
-- Richard M. Romano
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
My karma ran over my dogma.
-- bumpersticker
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of the nation's movie screens on which the latest James Bond
movie, "Golden Eye," will be playing on November 17: 10
-- MGM
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I was reading up on "channeling," a technique whereby a pshyhic supposedly
contacts the spirit of a long-dead individual. If an English psychic
contacts the spirit of a dead Frenchman, it's called "chunneling."
-- Richard M. Romano
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of California driver's licenses made out to Jesus Christ: 6
Number made out to Jesus Christ II: 1
-- California DMV
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average number of books signed per minute by Newt Gingrich
at a Boston bookstore in August: 4
Average number of books signed per minute by Colin Powell
at the same store in September: 11
-- Lauriat's Bookstore, Boston
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of turkeys served at Thanksgiving this year: millions, even
Number of turkeys serving in Congress: 535
POEM FOR THE DAY
'Twas the day after Thanksgiving, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a (well-fed) mouse...
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The next time you board a plane, try not to think about this: Flight Simulator
running on your notebook [computer] may be more reliable than the software
that keeps planes from colliding in midair. That's because the FAA's air-
traffic-control system still uses software from the 1970s. It runs on a
vacuum-tube IBM 9020e mainframe that dates back a decade earlier. This system
contributed to almost a dozen failures in the past year...
-- Alan Joch in Byte
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
HYDROGEN: A light, odorless gas, which, given enough time, turns into people.
-- John P. Wiley Jr.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Only 24 more days until Christmas!
-- S. Claus & Co.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The difference in time between loony ideas and shipped products
is shrinking so fast that it's now, oh, about a week.
-- Neil Gershenfeld
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Only 20 more days until Christmas!
-- S. Claus & Co.
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
In July, preacher Abdul Talib Harun, 35, was sentenced to two years in prison
in Kuala Lumpur for having ten wives, which is six more than permitted under
Muslim law...The four lawful wives were also sent to jail for a month for
permitting the illegal cohabitation.
-- News of the Weird
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
As I see it, there are two kinds of people in the world; those
who love delis, and those you shouldn't associate with.
-- Damon Runyon
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Time it takes for data to travel between the Galileo Jupiter satellite
and the earth, in minutes: 52
-- L.A. Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of countries that issued a John Lennon commemorative
postage stamp last week: 8
-- L.A. Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of Galileo/Pioneer/Voyager-type space missions to outer
space that NASA has currently planned & funded for the future: 0
-- L.A. Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You know you're in love when you're willing to share your ATM PIN number.
-- Elayne Boosler
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The sun never sets for those who ride into it.
-- Richard O'Brien, "Shock Treatment"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I got food poisoning today....but I don't know when I'm going to use it.
-- Steven Wright
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of criminal indictments in Japan in 1994: 1,140,353
Number of those defendants found NOT guilty: 58
-- Norihiko Shirouzu, WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me
to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple
POEM FOR THE DAY
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, 'cept Not-Even (a mouse)...
-- Clement Moore, Walt Kelly
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
TINSEL: Snake mirrors
-- Steven Wright
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Only 4 more shopping days until the New Year...
-- The Calendar Man
